Morgen Bailey's Writing Forum

As I am feeling brave - chuffed by being shortlisted in the Fish Short Story competition(results not out til 17th March but pleased anyway to be shortlisted) I thought I would post this piece of Flash Fiction for any of you to critique. A bit political this one. Not a load of fun. Sorry.


Diseased
by Jeannie van Rompaey

At first it was the cloven-hoofed animals that were affected. The symptoms - foaming at the mouth, lameness, general debilitation - suggested another outbreak of foot and mouth. After a flight of geese nose-dived from the sky, shedding feathers as they fell, and whole shoals of fish were found floating like cardboard cut-outs on ponds, rivers and oceans, the original diagnosis had to be reviewed. Rumours abounded as to the cause of the phenomenon, but were never verified. The disease remained nameless. To label it would make it more shocking, more credible. Nothing to worry about. Before long, scientists were certain to come up with a cure.
In the coldest month of that dark year, April, the fields lay barren. Herd after herd of cattle and flock after flock of sheep had to be culled. Pigs and chickens too. The stench of burning carcasses hung in the air, a pungent fog that refused to disperse. Gasmasks, reminiscent of past wars, appeared. Soon these protruding snouts were seen everywhere, their wearers seemingly a new species of animal.
It was perhaps a coincidence that, during the same period, a flu epidemic among humans caused the highest percentage of absenteeism from work ever reported and led to an unprecedented number of deaths.
On television, the Prime Minister addressed the nation, uttering these memorable words: ‘I want to make it absolutely clear that there is no connection between the disease that has infected the animals, birds and fish and the current outbreak of influenza within our workforce. The virus that has ravaged the natural world cannot be transmitted to human beings. I repeat, human beings cannot contract the disease that is destroying the animals. You have my word on that.’

I'm new to flash fiction, so I'm not entirely sure what the rules are, if there are any.

Diseased is very realistic and reminded me of the foot-and-mouth issue a few years ago. In fact, it read a bit like a news report (was that the intention?), which gives it more realism.

I was disappointed with the lack of conclusive ending and was left wanting to know more. If your intention was to provoke thought then the piece succeeds but, as with short stories, you might do better with a stronger ending.

I rather liked the ending. 'Famous last words' type of thing. Good Story!

Thank you Captain Black and Phyllis for your comments. I put this on here because i wasn't sure if it was a short story or not. I feel quite strongly about the ending from the Prime Minister because I believe we are told so many things that eventually turn out not to be true. Implicit in the ending should be the feeling that we are being reassured but that the threat is still immanent and will not go away. Yes, I did intend the narrative voice to be impersonal like a news report. Anyway, thank you both for your comments. Very useful.

It reminded me of Bill Clinton re. Monica Lewinsky actually.

My favourite parts were: 'floating like cardboard cut-outs on ponds' and the humans becoming animal-like by wearing the 'snouts', something else linking the two.

For me it feels like the start of something, maybe an apocalyptic longer piece? Grim. I like it.